Do You Keep Attracting the Wrong Partner?

As you glance across the breakfast table on a Sunday morning, you sadly realize that this partner looks familiar in a very peculiar deja-vu kind of way. In fact, he or she looks like your last partner and maybe even the one before.  You sigh….You  had such huge  expectations and hope that this one would be “the one”, but somehow, no matter how much you wished  Eternity to hand over a forever relationship, the feeling of empty dissatisfaction sits like a  sharp pit somewhere between your heart and your stomach….sound familiar?

Here are some questions to consider why you keep attracting the wrong partner.

Are you afraid of being alone?

Words like “old spinster”, “still single”, “old bachelor”, “old maid”, tell exactly how society views people who live life without a partner. Hard not to get the sense that you are some kind of a reject in the world of romance, isn’t it?  When you fall into that social buzz, it may be hard not to think that there is something wrong with you if you cannot attract a partner. 

Often, this ‘fear’ is more about worrying about what others think, rather than what you need. At different points in your life, being alone may just be what you need to…grow, heal, create, take care of yourself, learn…be. In fact, taking time to also examine your relationship history may be quite worthwhile.

Just how conscious are you of your relationship history?

An easy way of gaining an understanding of your relationship patterns is by examining your past relationships and asking yourself 1) what attracted you to the partner in the first place, 2) the common traits that you shared that made the relationship work, 3) the common traits that ended the relationship, 4) whether your partner was geographically present (i.e. as in not long distance relationship), and whatever else you may want to add to your list of questions. Then step back and look over the answers. Do you see a pattern in the partners you have attracted? For example, have you always attracted men who are controlling? Neglectful? Emotionally unavailable? Afraid to commit?

Once you have the awareness, recognize that just because it has always been so, does not mean if has to continue being that way. In other words, you have the power to break the pattern and move forward to find the partner that gives you the love you want.

Do you know and love yourself enough to allow the right partner into your life?

Far too often, people settle for less because they don’t believe they are worthy of more.  Doing inner work and getting a handle on your own issues is the most critical step needed to break old relationship patterns. Think back to your childhood and what you saw in your own parents’ relationship. What were the dynamics in your family? If your mother always treated you like a little boy, and you enter into a relationship looking for a mommy rather than a partner, chances are that the relationship has an expiry date on it already as you enter into it. If your father was unavailable to your mother, did you adopt that same model for the partners you have had? In other ways, we do not come by our relationships by accident, and resolving the core issues we have with ourselves, is a much needed step in reversing the trend. 

Are you ready to accept your partner as he or she truly is?

Most relationships start off on a high note of romance, attraction and passion. But as the reality of day to day life seeps in, the blinders come off and you begin to see your partner with all of his or her positive as well as negative attributes. What you somehow overlooked initially is now laid bare as very true to life.  As time goes by, those differences can go from being a minor irritation to a major source of aggravation. Most couples will tell you that they had hoped that as time passed, they would be able to change their partner. This kind thinking often backfires. Recognize that there are limits to what you can change about another person, and that it takes two to commit to a shared goal or plan.

So if you want to attract the right partner, be open to the questions. Be open to learning about yourself while in and out of relationship. Value the time you are alone so you can get in touch with what your heart really wants.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” 
– Lao Tzu

Eve Crawford - Life Strategist

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